You smell like stripper and shame
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
