Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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