Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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