like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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