A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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