Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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