she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
