this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize