can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
