As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
