if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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