The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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