Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
