I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize