I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
