Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
