I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
