i already hear my dad disowning me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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