We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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