At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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