I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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