I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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