oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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