I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
