Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
