and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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