sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
