And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
