how can u be prego again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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