you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize