I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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