It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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