Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You're like the curious george of whores
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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