tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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