I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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