the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
