do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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