I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
