The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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