how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
