no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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