i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
