I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
