nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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