Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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