my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize