I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pants are for mortals
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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