I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
