im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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