tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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