Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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