Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
