i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
