totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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