I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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