You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize