masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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