the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
